TOP 10: Messiest Comic-Book Exes
This week the podcast discussed 16 of the most beloved couples to star in comic books. We love to see love go right (even when it doesn’t always work out), but it’s important to remember: comics are essentially soap opera. And that means we love it even more when there’s some juicy drama, mama.
Which brings us to this Top 10 list ranking some of comics’ messiest ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends. We stuck primarily to Marvel and DC Comics characters, but there are so many dysfunctional dumped characters out there. So feel free to drop your favorite messes in the comments below.
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Honorable Mentions: The League of Evil Exes
It’s right in the title! The bosses from Bryan Lee O’Malley’s Scott Pilgrim series of graphic novels, and the 2010 film adaptation, are standing in the way of true love for Scott Pilgrim and the girl of his dreams, Ramona Flowers. Matthew Patel, Lucas Lee, super vegan Todd Ingram, Roxy Richter, and the rest make for great baddies we love to hate.
10. Hawkman
When Geoff Johns rebooted Hawkman in his late 90s JSA run, and then his subsequent solo title, he introduced a new wrinkle to both Hawkman and his partner, Hawgirl: the two of them were the reincarnated souls fated to find each other, fall in love, and die tragically over and over again, throughout time. But something went wrong in the last reincarnation. Hawkman got stuck in the regeneration cycle, and Hawkgirl regenerated without her memories or connection to Hawkman. So when Big Hawk was brought back, he kept insinuating himself on Hawkgirl (Kendra Saunders) even though she wanted nothing to do with the man – in fact, she was freaked out by the whole thing. Hawkman was more or less relentless in his pursuit of Hawkgirl up until Blackest Night, when they were both killed again.
This is a super-confusing concept and character that has been subject to several many retcons over the years. The basic gist is that Carol Ferris was the main love interest for Green Lantern Hal Jordan, but the two of them couldn’t be together for a variety of contrivances both mundane (she was his boss and didn’t date employees) and extraordinary (he’s a space cop with a magic ring). Throughout Carol’s history, her yearning for Hal has drawn the attention of the Star Sapphires, a tribe of space women that – as of the 2000s retcon – harness the violet energy of the emotional spectrum, powered by love. It sounds warm and fuzzy, but is actually often unhinged. Over the years, Carol as Star Sapphire has murdered Hal’s GL partner’s wife, spun off an entirely different male alter ego, and other shenanigans. Take a break, lady!
8: Quicksilver
Avenger Pietro Maximoff has never been the most stable character, but he went from nuisance to terrorist threat to his ex-wife, Crystal, as well as her family, the Inhuman Royal Family. Crystal and Quicksilver were always a rocky couple, and the two separated shortly after the birth of their daughter, Luna. For a while the two of them co-parented successfully, but after Quicksilver was depowered and shunned by the super-hero community following House of M, he snapped. Quicksilver stole the sacred Terrigan Crystals from the Inhumans in a desperate bid to repower himself, essentially declaring war on his ex and her family in the process. MESSY!
7. Kathy Dare
The most obscure character on this list, Kathy Dare is still a truly deranged ex. She was a love interest for Tony Stark during the 1980s Iron Man run. She initially appeared a free-spirited party girl, but ultimately it was revealed she was a multiple murderer – including her brother! – and when Stark sought to break things off with her, she shot the man, leaving him paralyzed. Dare tried to explain away her actions by blaming the anti-psychotic medications she was taking, but following Stark’s faked funeral (he wanted the world to believe him dead so he could try experimental treatments to cure his condition), Dare ultimately committed suicide due to her guilt. The 80s were wild.
Batman’s passionate romance with the international assassin was inspired by the dangerous women of the James Bond films. Talia and Bruce Wayne typically don’t stay together long, but their connections are potent – they have apparently been married more than once – and during the Son of the Demon graphic novel (initially not meant to take place in DC continuity), she becomes pregnant by Wayne. Decades later that pregnancy was retconned into canon, and the resulting offspring, Damian Wayne, has become the new Robin. Keeping your lovechild a secret from the father is messed up enough, but since that revelation Talia has become even more prone to make attempts at Batman’s life.
5. Doctor Doom
Victor Von Doom is not what you would call a catch. In addition to his face being messed up – which one could overlook given that he has such a snazzy suit of armor and, you know, rules his own country – he has a penchant for kidnapping and dominating strong women, among them Storm of the X-Men and Scarlet Witch of the Avengers. But hands down the worst thing he ever did was to a Latverian woman named Valeria, his first love as a teenager. The two had a complicated, mostly one-sided romance in which Doom courted her, even as she grew disgusted by his dictatorial ways, and Valeria fled Doom and Latveria. Years later, Doom tracked her down and vowed to renounce science if she took him back and pledged to love him. Valeria agreed – but it was a trick! A cabal of literal demons had promised Doom immense magical power in exchange for a grave personal sacrifice. That sacrifice was Valeria, whose soul was consumed by the demons, and whose flesh Doom then fashioned into a new mystical set of armor. Talk about a fatal attraction…
4. Cheshire
Similar to Talia al Ghul, Cheshire was an international assassin with whom Roy Harper, the Teen Titan formerly known as Speedy, but most often as Arsenal, fell in love, after he went undercover to shut down her terrorist cell. The two had a daughter, Lian, and Cheshire would eventually discover Harper’s super-hero alter ego. While Cheshire proved a recurring foe to the Titans because of her connection to Arsenal, the worst thing she ever did was BLOW UP AN ENTIRE COUNTRY to prove to Deathstroke the Terminator that she was for real. This is a definitive case of “don’t stick your dick in crazy.”
3. Jean Loring
Speaking of crazy, let’s talk about Jean Loring. Jean was the longtime girlfriend and then wife of Silver Age Atom, Ray Palmer. After the two divorced, a severely depressed Atom lived as a warlord in a miniaturized world, and then was de-aged to be a teenager – it was a weird couple of decades for poor Ray. Flash forward to 2004’s Identity Crisis event, where it is revealed that Jean has suffered a total mental breakdown, stolen some of her ex-husband’s shrinking technology, and killed her former friend Sue Dibney (wife of Atom’s Justice League teammate Elongated Man), as well as arranged the murder of Robin Tim Drake’s father, all in an attempt to get the heroes to pay more attention to their families – and specifically for Palmer to take her back. Afterward, an institutionalized Jean is possessed by the spirit of Eclipso, and then becomes a mystically empowered supervillain for a while. Crazy!
2. The Joker
Do I need to expound upon his incredibly abusive treatment of Harley Quinn? You get it.
The undisputed queen of crazy ex-girlfriends (or ex-wives, in her case), Madelyne Pryor had every reason to hate Scott Summers, AKA Cyclops of the X-Men. In hindsight, he only married her (after a shockingly brief courtship) because she was a dead ringer for his then-dead first love, Jean Grey. The two of them had a kid together, and once Jean miraculously returned from they grave, good ol’ Scotty abandoned his wife and new baby to go track down his former flame. Great guy! Instead of suing Scott for years of child support and alimony, Maddy took a less-obvious route and was taken in by a horde of actual demons who named her their Goblin Queen, gained access to incredible dark magic, and brought about literal Hell on Earth by summoning her demon horde to New York City during Inferno. It all culminated with Madelyne discovering that she was, in fact, a clone of Jean, created by unseen puppet master Mister Sinister to produce an apex mutant child. Madelyne would be killed at the end of the story, but has returned several times, via mystical and scientific methods. She even took up with Cyclops’ little brother, which was its own form of revenge on the Summers’ family. Petty icon!
Who are YOUR favorite messy comic-book exes? Leave a comment below!
